Monday, May 6, 2013

Reality Recap: Newlyweds (06MAY13)

Newlyweds: The First Year, Bravo's newest reality show about couples in their first year of marriage kicked off tonight following some OC Housewives debauchery.  The premiere episode was chockfull of introductions/tears/craziness so let's just jump right in...

We first meet Tina and Tarz (real name: David)...a glitter-ful, Bollywood princess meets Tarzan look-a-like (re: his nickname "Tarzu") who have been together for four years.  She's ready to get on the "baby train" and he's running a start-up and wants to wait.  Trouble in paradise and we just started.  We see some loving, tender moments in bed when he says he loves her without all the makeup (the "real Tina") and she loves that he looks like an "idiot" but is actually a "nerd".

Tina: "I'm out there doing what any bride does before her wedding day...glittering the lawn."
Tina (to her neighbors): "We're going to have some noise...suck it."
Tina: "My religion is glitter."

Next, we are introduced to Jon and Kathryn who are moving in together before the wedding...into Jon's Long Island...three days before the wedding.  Kathryn is "very excited" to be moving in, but three minutes into the episode she has already cried twice. She's also about ready to redecorate the house the minute she walks in...pump the breaks, Kath. In Kathryn's defense, Jon's closet was full of his ex-fiancĂ©'s clothes and he brought up the ex at least three in five minutes.  There's minor Guidice/Gorga drama at a nail salon between Kathryn and Jon's sister, but first impressions, Jon and Kath are a little boring.

Jon (about Kathryn): "She has wonderful...upper...breast."
Kathryn (on Jon's clothes): "This is definitely farty."

Jeff and Blair are a Homeland Security background investigator and a former boy-bander who are sixteen years apart in age and days away from marital bliss.  (Blair cries five minutes into the episode too.)  Blair was raised with a silver spoon (and apparently loves carbs)....they fight over donuts and pilates at the Farmer's Market and compromise with just a pie instead of a pie and donut.  Blair has a Meg Ryan moment with the pie and then they dive into a discussion on finances....awkward.  Jeff is charging Blair "rent" and a peaceful Farmer's Market adventure devolves into pre-marital discord.  As they signed their domestic partnership paperwork, later, though, Blair compared his love with Jennifer Hudson and Sandy Bullock's Academy Award wins. That's love. Blair/Jeff are our favorites (so far)!

Blair (while dancing with Jeff): "I can feel you getting a little warm down there."
Blair (on divorce and death): "It brings up the two D's and I'm not talking about Dolly Parton's breasts."
Blair: "I want a rent controlled marriage."

Kim and Alaska are our fourth and final couple...thank goodness, because we are already getting confused with all these people.  Alaska is smooth as hell from the jump off.  Giving her a "black diamond" ring at her surprise birthday party at a bowling alley.   Alaska is an A&R rep at Warner Bros. and Kim is a wardrobe stylist for Usher/Drake.  They're a power-couple in training, prepping for bicoastal domination, although they've never lived together and they have major drama in the shower section of the home store over showering together...she wants to, he refuses.  Kim later meets with her bridesmaids and demanded they lose ten pounds for the wedding...she has a vision for her wedding, y'all.

Kim (on Michelle Obama): "I love Michelle...what she's doing this season, she looks great."
Kim: "You're the man of the house...I have no say."
Kim (on her bridesmaids' weight): "I'm not talking about Mary Kate...I'm talking about losing weight so it looks good on film."

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